Sunday, June 29, 2014

Forgotten Language - Tucked in the Corners

I tuck into these sunlit corners
Of a dark home
In my heart
Where I spend precious moments
Releasing what's been bottled up
In scribbles
In tears
In rushed breaths
In hushed whispers
Before the rest of me can see
What I've allowed to escape
Before it takes me by the hand
And gently leads me back
To that peaceful darkness
Please, don't misunderstand
I don't want to extinguish
The darkness
I simply want to tuck myself
Into the light

Fear and Sorrow

I experienced something new this morning, just moments ago in fact. It was choking, suffocating ball of fear and tears that got stuck in my throat so I couldn't breathe. That's not the new part, though. What caused the fear was the thought of going home today. I've spent the last ten days away at my boyfriend's house (we go to different colleges) and usually I'm homesick and can't wait to go back.

Today is different, though.

Can I give you guys the short version?

Last April, my cousin's boss had dachshund puppies and he offered us one of them for free. A free puppy in a house of dachshund lovers? Of course we took him! We drove three hours to pick him up and he was a tiny thing, just four weeks and born on St Patrick's Day. He was a black and tan long haired and named Dakota, really just Koda but all of our dogs have been D's so far. And since I'm a weirdo with names his name was Dakota Black Bear Rain Cloud. And he was my baby. I poured every ounce of love I could muster into that dog, because he wasn't just a dog he was my baby, my son. He loved to lay with you, play a lot, sit outside, and above all go for drives. He also loved to watch all the people walk outside and really loved big trucks. I'm not kidding! You could just watch his eyes light up and his ears perk and watch his head turn as they passed.

But just a couple months ago he got sick. I'm not going to go through the details, but basically he had kidney failure most likely due to a birth defect that caused them to not fully develop. He was just bones and was always sleeping and it was hard for both of us. I've already suffered from sickness in my life, but I can tell you its a million times harder watching it happen to someone you love. His last day, he suffered. And I held him in my arms in the early hours of the morning until I couldn't feel his heart beat and didn't see him breathing. I rushed into the bathroom where there was light and saw that the light and expression was gone from his eyes and screamed. This deep guttural churning from the pit of stomach that I can still feel, but can't remember. I don't remember if I screamed no or mom, but I woke up my younger sister and parents, only my boyfriend stayed asleep due to his wearing earplugs to sleep. And we just pet him and kissed him until the vet opened and then he was gone.

I think what's even harder is the fact that I prayed so hard for his healing. I knelt and laid face down. I cried and screamed and begged God for his healing, because if he brought me from the brink of death why couldn't He do the same again? And the horrible part? I had so much hope. I'm a negative person, but I was so convinced that God was gonna heal him that I wasn't even too anxious about it all. After he died I freaking waited for him to come back from the dead. But he didn't and he won't.

My mom and sister picked up his ashes while I was gone. And while I thought I was fine with, thinking about going home to a place where my love is missing, where the finality of it all is?

Its terrifying.

To sit in the same places I used to with him and go on like he never existed. I can't believe he only lived for year because it feels like forever and it feels like even longer since I've seen him, pet him, kissed him, let him sit on my lap and prop him up so he could see out the window and let his ears fly in the wind.

Its hard.

We're getting two puppies in about a week. Most everyone would think we're crazy, that its too soon. But we're dying without him. Without something happy. Without something to pour our love into.

And I know it doesn't seem like it now, but we'll love these two just as much even though I can't even imagine doing so at the moment. And I don't think I'll ever stop talking to him while I talk to God, because I can't.

And I know I'm crazy. I'm okay with that. But for now, I have to be strong and pack my things. Because I'm headed home.

~ Zephyr

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Forgotten Language - Reach

I suffocate beneath the weight
Of this stagnant air
And so I stretch and reach
And hope some other hand
Catches mine
But there's only dead air
So I crash down on this earth
The dry dust embracing me
As I try to reach back
To the blinding sky

Monday, June 23, 2014

To Stew In My Soul

Its been awhile. I've had the hardest times of my life these past couple months and I can only beg that they're ending soon. I don't think I'm quite ready to share in full yet, but I will soon. For now, I sit in the dark, listening to the deep sounds of my lover's breathing. Its soothing, in a way - knowing that you're not alone, knowing that there's someone gladly and willingly sticking with you through whatever heads your way without a second thought. A lot of others would run. But he doesn't have those thoughts. And its strange and breathtaking to think that someone could ever care for you and love you so much that they want to stick with you through it all and they're watching and waiting and observing all the changes that happen in you. They watch you crumple up into a ball like a discarded piece of paper, hear your guttural howling scream when your in pain, and then they watch you wipe away all the tears, stand tall, and grow as a person. And they love seeing that. They love seeing you and getting to witness you and watching you go from the darkest place to the one of light.

I've had a lot of people tell I'm strong. Not physically, but all that other stuff on the inside. Because I made through a sickness, because I continue to truck through all these messed up health problems that I can't control without a second thought. But I don't think its true. I never have. Because I separate strength from apathy and I've always been apathetic to it all. I just don't care. When I was struggling through transplant I just didn't care. You can't care. You have to bottle all the shit up and swallow it with all your other pills because its all medicine and its the only way you heal. You focus on the happy things: about how skinny all this vomiting has made you (spoiler, its been gained back in full), about not throwing up that day, hell I'm still happy when I don't throw up because I have issues with my stomach. But I don't call that strength. That's just surviving. And I always feel like I'm just surviving.

But upon the agony and heart wrenching pain of death, I've been told again "you're strong". I just can't comprehend that that's the case. I still cry often enough. I can't remember the sound of my scream, but I can feel deep in my chest inside my throat, and its deep and guttural and almost like a howl of pain. I can feel it tearing through my throat, but when I open my mouth - silence. I can't hear it anymore. And when I swallow those feelings its like taking a pill without water - its dry and it gets stuck, a lump in your throat, and even after it goes down you still feel like its stuck there and it makes it hard to breathe. And all my memories from that morning blur and fade until all that's left are the freezeframes and feelings, and it still feels just as raw even when you can't see it.

Sitting in the car with my boyfriend, I ask "am I strong?" and he answers "I didn't think you were, but you're much stronger than I ever would have thought." When we stop at a light he turns to me and says "you're so strong" and with that I want to believe it so bad.

Every now and then he'll randomly say "your strong" out of nowhere, usually when I'm buried in thoughts. And if I ask him why he just says because you are, like its impossible for it to be any other way. And I desperately want to believe that.

And now I've typed much more than I was planning to. Its still dark and I'm still listening to his breathing. Today all I feel like doing is sitting down and stewing in my soul, seasoning and tasting it, finding out what its like now.