Friday, September 5, 2014

To Find Magic::

I need to find some magic.

I've been getting this feeling a lot lately, it ever increasing with the days. I'm fine when I'm writing or reading or gaming, but when I stop, when my mind has a moment to settle down. That's when I feel it. When it wakes me up earlier than normal and won't let me sleep. When I go through my blog roll and realize I have nothing soulful to read. When I write and just can't make the words turn to gold in the way I want.

I need to find some magic.

It makes me clutch my crystals close to chest, hoping that what they say about them is actually true in spite of my doubts. It makes me wish the days went faster so I can remember to make moon water this time. It makes me listen to Zephyr Memories on repeat, because that beautiful track can transport me like nothing else in this world. Or perhaps, it makes me put on Flight of Angels, so I can breathe again, enveloped by the music.

I need to find some magic.

But sometimes, I fear...

That it does not exist.

~ Zephyr

Thursday, July 3, 2014

When The World Seems To Fall Apart

My boyfriend left yesterday. I don't know if I'll see him for the weekend of our anniversary (four years on 8/3) or if it will have to wait for the semester end in December. Either way, I didn't want him to leave yesterday. So even though he was saying that he really needed to go, I sat with my back against the door in tears while eating my chicken biscuit, refusing to let him leave. I did move eventually and as he said good bye he reminded that "You're getting puppies in a couple days. You won't even miss me anymore."

So I spent yesterday cleaning the house, which is really hard when my younger sister just sits around watching TV and my older sister is...a total pain in the ass. She all into being healthy now so she's just taken over a portion of the fridge, freezer, and pantry and pushed everything else aside. My mom's about ready to take her head off. She has no clue how to clean anything or be clean or neat or anything. How is she older than me?

Regardless, I was apparently nesting because, though I hate cleaning, I freaking cleaned house on this place. It was great.

And then I woke up this morning to learn that the puppies we were going to pick up tomorrow are sick with Parvo. And the boy that I picked out died from it.

The others will hopefully be okay.

I can't even really think about Koda without crying, so I'm really breaking over this. I'm starting to feel that by the end of this year the rest of my life will have been decided. If I stay in college, if I'm getting a job, if I'll ever be healthy, if I'll ever be done with my illness, just really what kind of person I'm going to become.

And its frightening. But I'm ready for it.

So until then, I'll keep praying for healthy puppies.

~ Zephyr

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Forgotten Language - Tucked in the Corners

I tuck into these sunlit corners
Of a dark home
In my heart
Where I spend precious moments
Releasing what's been bottled up
In scribbles
In tears
In rushed breaths
In hushed whispers
Before the rest of me can see
What I've allowed to escape
Before it takes me by the hand
And gently leads me back
To that peaceful darkness
Please, don't misunderstand
I don't want to extinguish
The darkness
I simply want to tuck myself
Into the light

Fear and Sorrow

I experienced something new this morning, just moments ago in fact. It was choking, suffocating ball of fear and tears that got stuck in my throat so I couldn't breathe. That's not the new part, though. What caused the fear was the thought of going home today. I've spent the last ten days away at my boyfriend's house (we go to different colleges) and usually I'm homesick and can't wait to go back.

Today is different, though.

Can I give you guys the short version?

Last April, my cousin's boss had dachshund puppies and he offered us one of them for free. A free puppy in a house of dachshund lovers? Of course we took him! We drove three hours to pick him up and he was a tiny thing, just four weeks and born on St Patrick's Day. He was a black and tan long haired and named Dakota, really just Koda but all of our dogs have been D's so far. And since I'm a weirdo with names his name was Dakota Black Bear Rain Cloud. And he was my baby. I poured every ounce of love I could muster into that dog, because he wasn't just a dog he was my baby, my son. He loved to lay with you, play a lot, sit outside, and above all go for drives. He also loved to watch all the people walk outside and really loved big trucks. I'm not kidding! You could just watch his eyes light up and his ears perk and watch his head turn as they passed.

But just a couple months ago he got sick. I'm not going to go through the details, but basically he had kidney failure most likely due to a birth defect that caused them to not fully develop. He was just bones and was always sleeping and it was hard for both of us. I've already suffered from sickness in my life, but I can tell you its a million times harder watching it happen to someone you love. His last day, he suffered. And I held him in my arms in the early hours of the morning until I couldn't feel his heart beat and didn't see him breathing. I rushed into the bathroom where there was light and saw that the light and expression was gone from his eyes and screamed. This deep guttural churning from the pit of stomach that I can still feel, but can't remember. I don't remember if I screamed no or mom, but I woke up my younger sister and parents, only my boyfriend stayed asleep due to his wearing earplugs to sleep. And we just pet him and kissed him until the vet opened and then he was gone.

I think what's even harder is the fact that I prayed so hard for his healing. I knelt and laid face down. I cried and screamed and begged God for his healing, because if he brought me from the brink of death why couldn't He do the same again? And the horrible part? I had so much hope. I'm a negative person, but I was so convinced that God was gonna heal him that I wasn't even too anxious about it all. After he died I freaking waited for him to come back from the dead. But he didn't and he won't.

My mom and sister picked up his ashes while I was gone. And while I thought I was fine with, thinking about going home to a place where my love is missing, where the finality of it all is?

Its terrifying.

To sit in the same places I used to with him and go on like he never existed. I can't believe he only lived for year because it feels like forever and it feels like even longer since I've seen him, pet him, kissed him, let him sit on my lap and prop him up so he could see out the window and let his ears fly in the wind.

Its hard.

We're getting two puppies in about a week. Most everyone would think we're crazy, that its too soon. But we're dying without him. Without something happy. Without something to pour our love into.

And I know it doesn't seem like it now, but we'll love these two just as much even though I can't even imagine doing so at the moment. And I don't think I'll ever stop talking to him while I talk to God, because I can't.

And I know I'm crazy. I'm okay with that. But for now, I have to be strong and pack my things. Because I'm headed home.

~ Zephyr

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Forgotten Language - Reach

I suffocate beneath the weight
Of this stagnant air
And so I stretch and reach
And hope some other hand
Catches mine
But there's only dead air
So I crash down on this earth
The dry dust embracing me
As I try to reach back
To the blinding sky

Monday, June 23, 2014

To Stew In My Soul

Its been awhile. I've had the hardest times of my life these past couple months and I can only beg that they're ending soon. I don't think I'm quite ready to share in full yet, but I will soon. For now, I sit in the dark, listening to the deep sounds of my lover's breathing. Its soothing, in a way - knowing that you're not alone, knowing that there's someone gladly and willingly sticking with you through whatever heads your way without a second thought. A lot of others would run. But he doesn't have those thoughts. And its strange and breathtaking to think that someone could ever care for you and love you so much that they want to stick with you through it all and they're watching and waiting and observing all the changes that happen in you. They watch you crumple up into a ball like a discarded piece of paper, hear your guttural howling scream when your in pain, and then they watch you wipe away all the tears, stand tall, and grow as a person. And they love seeing that. They love seeing you and getting to witness you and watching you go from the darkest place to the one of light.

I've had a lot of people tell I'm strong. Not physically, but all that other stuff on the inside. Because I made through a sickness, because I continue to truck through all these messed up health problems that I can't control without a second thought. But I don't think its true. I never have. Because I separate strength from apathy and I've always been apathetic to it all. I just don't care. When I was struggling through transplant I just didn't care. You can't care. You have to bottle all the shit up and swallow it with all your other pills because its all medicine and its the only way you heal. You focus on the happy things: about how skinny all this vomiting has made you (spoiler, its been gained back in full), about not throwing up that day, hell I'm still happy when I don't throw up because I have issues with my stomach. But I don't call that strength. That's just surviving. And I always feel like I'm just surviving.

But upon the agony and heart wrenching pain of death, I've been told again "you're strong". I just can't comprehend that that's the case. I still cry often enough. I can't remember the sound of my scream, but I can feel deep in my chest inside my throat, and its deep and guttural and almost like a howl of pain. I can feel it tearing through my throat, but when I open my mouth - silence. I can't hear it anymore. And when I swallow those feelings its like taking a pill without water - its dry and it gets stuck, a lump in your throat, and even after it goes down you still feel like its stuck there and it makes it hard to breathe. And all my memories from that morning blur and fade until all that's left are the freezeframes and feelings, and it still feels just as raw even when you can't see it.

Sitting in the car with my boyfriend, I ask "am I strong?" and he answers "I didn't think you were, but you're much stronger than I ever would have thought." When we stop at a light he turns to me and says "you're so strong" and with that I want to believe it so bad.

Every now and then he'll randomly say "your strong" out of nowhere, usually when I'm buried in thoughts. And if I ask him why he just says because you are, like its impossible for it to be any other way. And I desperately want to believe that.

And now I've typed much more than I was planning to. Its still dark and I'm still listening to his breathing. Today all I feel like doing is sitting down and stewing in my soul, seasoning and tasting it, finding out what its like now.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Forgotten Language - Cosmic Star Stuff

We wandered in space
We looked around and sighed
“This is infinite”
“But we are not”
And thought about our end
And in that moment
It was decided
That we would slowly fade
Until the last moment
Exploding the nova
Becoming scattered in space
Cosmic star stuff
Spreading out and joining others
Building them up

Creating a brilliant new star

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Forgotten Language - Native Tongues

I tried to speak it
To form those words
That everyone else spoke
Like a foreigner
Learning a new language
A foreigner
In my own world
And as I tried to copy them
To converse and belong
I found that they didn’t understand me
Or my words at all
So I crawled back in
Folded deeply inside myself
And searched
And wandered
For those words that would make them understand
But through those travels
Through those tribes and those trails
I learned I didn’t want to be them
I didn’t want to misunderstand
And as I found myself
I found my own language
My own letters and words
So I don’t need the other ones
This ancient tongue

Is enough for me

Friday, May 9, 2014

Forgotten Language - In That Night

To stay back in those shadow lands
To hide from the day’s light
To stay in the comfortable silence all my life
I hate the darkness
I repeat over and over again
I hate the darkness
But I fear the light
In the light nothing is hidden
In the light they can see it
The shadow of your soul
The shadow of your self
And you can’t hide it
For there’s no darkness to fall back into
And so I curl up in the darkness
Longing for the light
And in the silence of that night
I heard my soul whisper
“You don’t have to be afraid
Of the light”
So with unsteady steps
With weak ankles
I stumble into it

And am bathed by that glorious light

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Forgotten Language - Before I Was

I walk along those forest lined paths
I stumble on the overgrowth
The scenery of my mind
The whispers of ocean
I walk into it and dive
Searching, searching
In the ruins of forgotten reigns
In the hidden caves of unruly coasts
I’m looking for the self
That was here
Before I was
But maybe some things
Are hidden too well
Maybe some things

Aren’t meant to be found

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Forgotten Language - Let's Light A Fire

The flame I once had
It’s a burning ember
A faint glow
It fades fades fades
If I walk out into the rain
I feel like I’ll be extinguished
This little light
The only light I have left
Maybe I should let it go out
But that wild woman
That wild part of soul
She soothes me
And whispers in all her hushed tones
“Let’s light a fire in your bones”
So she rubs them together
Like sticks over a fire pit
And starts the ember
That grows to a bonfire
And settles back down

To ember line my bones

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Forgotten Language - Question

I wake up with the same thoughts
Always questioning every one of my thoughts
Is this right? Is this wrong?
There’s always a fight going on inside
I feel like my chest is going to rip apart
Everything I like, everything I wonder about
Is it okay to have these thoughts?
Why does it matter if its okay?
Why can’t I just think and feel and live without questioning myself?
Why do I feel like I am the only one that struggles?
Why do I feel like I’m the only one fighting?
I scream it in my head
And over
And over
Fighting a losing war
Why do you question yourself so incessantly?
I ask myself under choked back cries and tears
Why indeed…

Yet I still question.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Forgotten Language - Glow of Warmth, Rage of Flame

I want to feel that warmth again
I’ll swallow magma
Just to feel the heat slid down my throat
I want my veins to heat
To flow with liquid fire
I want my heart to feel the flames
That lick the outside walls
And burn them
And consume me with the inferno
Of passion

That tells me I’m alive

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Forgotten Language - I Dreamt of Being Underwater

I dreamt of being underwater
Breathing just like you, was me
Being taken to the bottom
A burial at sea

So easy not to resist
The flow that was pushing me
A sentence of non-importance
Had been written off for me

So easy to give in
To the tides that pushed and pulled
To lay down in my shallow bed
And be covered by the dirt

I dreamt of being underwater
I almost made a grave mistake
Thinking sinking was my destiny

A fate to the lost one gave

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Forgotten Language - The Writer's Curse

Did I arrange that title right?
Maybe it’s better the other way
How long will sit here, staring
Rearranging the words on a screen
The letters on a page
That no one looks at twice

I wake up in the night
That dream
That dream
Remember, remember
The phone, the pencil
Find it quickly or it will vanish
The words like magic
Like pixie dust on your window sill

And there’s never enough time
To write it out
Sound it out
Think it out
You can never get it out fast enough
Or you decide to keep it in

So many stories
Trapped inside of me
In my head
And I can’t write them fast enough

I can feel them
I can see them
I can hear them
My creations
My words
My souls
Begging to be out
Clawing the insides of my eyes
I can feel my skull beginning to crack
From the pressure of those souls
Who just want to be free,

Like me